Love and Loss
They say that the proportion with which you grieve is equivalent to the amount of love that you had.
But, let’s be honest, grief just sucks.
Diving into the perinatal mental health world, I never thought that I’d be confronted with as much grief as I have over the past year. How do you support families who have lost pregnancies, children and all of the loved ones in between?
It’s been an interesting journey, to say the least, supporting others exploring and navigating their grief while I’ve worked to understand my own. The story of my father is plastered on my website, so it’s no surprise to anyone that I am grieving. And yes, I say it in that way because grief is life long. It’s not a cut and dry process, with steps, as we used to think. It’s a “hit you in the middle of a drive when you hear Buffalo Springfield” or tear up during a father daughter dance kind of thing.
And all the while I find death a bit fascinating (I know, I’m weird, but I’ve gotten comfortable with that fact a long time ago).
Discussing Death
Not everyone has the same thoughts and feelings about death, and most people would probably do their damnedest to avoid discussing it at all costs. But as the old Benjamin Franklin saying goes, “in this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes.” It’s a natural part of life, so why do we seek to ignore it? Probably because so much of what happens is unknown.
Confronting any circumstance that is unclear, unknown and potentially scary is hard, and death is one of the grandest unknown life transitions.
Living with Love
So, how do we continue to live with love in our hearts after losing someone close to us? How to we continue to put one foot in front of the other and get through each day?
It feels minimizing to say that we “just do,” but I think it comes down to carrying love. In the trauma world we call them glimmers, and I like to think of them as the warm fuzzies we feel, that love we carry in our hearts for the people we have lost that can’t dim with time.
My dad will always and forever be my dad, just like other loses I’ve experienced are unique to me. They have a unique impact and those people and experiences hold special places in my heart.
I can continue on because I can carry love for those people, the gifts they gave me, the lessons I learned from them and in the navigation of losing them.
Honoring Grief
Grief can be both painful and beautiful.
It can feel like it’s ripping your heart out, and make you laugh all in the same breath.
We all find different ways to honor those we have lost. I’ve found art (both permanently etched on my body and in creating my own), music and sharing stories.
My hope for you is that you find your way to honor your process, in a way that feels authentic to you and the relationship you have with your own grief.
